Victims and abusers do a good job hiding what is going on.  The victim may feel ashamed or guilty that they are allowing themselves to be abused and are afraid what others may say.  Abusers tend to hide what they are doing so no one knows and usually have a "different personality" in front of others.  Not only does Rainbow House help victims and their children, but we help families and friends understand why a victim stays and how they can be there to help. Victims stay for a number of reasons from fear to loving that person in spite of what they are doing to them.  Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse.

 It does get very frustrating for family and friends to see a loved one continued to stay in an abusive relationship and many may cut ties with the victims as it hurts them too much to see their loved one hurt.  Remaining a support for that person is the key to a victim knowing when he or she decides to leave, they have support there.  Here are some warning signs and dos and don'ts when approaching and supporting a victim of domestic violence.

Warning Signs Someone Is Begin Abused:

Often has bruises, black eyes, cuts,  and makes excuses for them.  "I ran into the door."  "I was clumsy."

The abuser check in frequently with the victim or makes the victim "check in" often.  Calling the victim at place of employment, family or friend's house or on a cell phone.

Victim is often accompanied by the abuser.  Abuser usually has a close watch on the victim.

The victim loses contact or visits less often with family or friend and is more quiet.

The abuser may have moved the victim to a location where not close to the victim's family or friends.

Victim is not allowed to drive, must depend on the abuser, or not allowed to call anyone or must keep calls short.

Victim dresses different as they are being told how to dress.

The children talk about someone getting hurt in the house.

So, how can you help a victims?

Ask if your family member or friend is being hurt.  This opens up the line of communication or them to tell you when they are ready.  They know you know something is going on.

Listen, believe, and respect your loved one or friend.  Don't deny its happening of judge them for staying.  Remember, leaving is the most dangerous time for the victim.  By them talking to you about it, is one difficult step for them.  Thank them for sharing.

Ask questions.

Remind your loved one or friend that they DON'T deserve any type of abuse.

Check in privately with your loved one or friend to see how they are doing.  Offer to help them seek help or visit a local domestic violence program or counselor. 

Discuss safety.  Talk to them about safe places and people to get help from.  Rainbow House helps design personal safety plans for the entire family.

Tell your loved one or friend you care not matter what.

Call police if you witness or hear abuse.

What NOT to do with a victim

Never talk with or confront the abuser.  This only puts the victim and their children in more danger as they "talked to someone" about what is going on.

Do not advise.  By telling the victim what they need to do only keeps them dependent.  Empower a victim by giving them choices and options for them to make their own choice.  A victim may need some encouragement as they may not feel confident to make hard choices as they may have never been allowed to make decisions or were put down for decision they did make.

Don't blame the victim.  It is hard for victims to come forward, so saying "I can't believe he/she would ever do that." puts blame on the victims.

v Don't tell them to leave or stay.  There are many reasons why a victim stays, many we may have a hard time understanding, but the victim will leave when they are ready.  Forced to leave sooner will result in the victims probably going back.   Telling a victim to stay and work it for the children's sake or for religious beliefs regarding marriage or giving the persona second chance, only force the victim to stay dependent on the abuser and puts him or her on grave danger.

Call # 1-800-956-6656

for more information on how to help a loved one.